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1. |
Jew Haikus
01:50
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Lemme walk you through
How to do a Jew haiku
Show you how it’s done
It is a haiku
But about being Jewish
That’s - pretty much it
Let’s get it started
Like the red sea I part it
Never halfhearted
Spitting out fire
Now I got a burning bush
And I don’t mean kush
The 10 commandments
Gonna bust 'em out right now
God made you free - nice
No God but this one
Never use the name in vain
Sabbath is holy
Honor mom and dad
Killing is a big no-no
No adultery
You can never steal
Do not be a false witness
Don’t fuck your neighbor
So much in common
The Torah is a manga
Goes from right to left
Haikus and the Jews
Fit just like bagels and lox
Like guilt and...more guilt
Gefilte fishing
For some of these lines to work
Some can get tilted
If I were a rich
Man, na na na na na na
Na na na Batman!
Yes I am aware
That one was lazy as hell
I needed one more
Bar Mitzvah story
I was 13 and a man
With one facial hair
Synagogue showdown
Show the other kids in class
That I came prepared
I cannot read this
I could use a little help
Where are the vowels?
A minor foul
Suddenly remembering
What I need to say
It’s the haftarah
Barach atta ad-oh shit
That was the wrong prayer
Skip to the party
Got to drink a little wine
Thank you Abraham
Got raised in the chair
I am not afraid of heights
Wait, no - yes I am
Thinking of bubbe
She wants to give me a hug
She reeks of perfume
Old people saying
“I’m so proud of what you’ve done!”
I do not know you
This is so awkward
They give me an envelope
It’s a fat check - oooo
That’s enough stories
Time to do what I do best
And that is sex jokes
Forget the goy boys
I could be your best boy toy
Synagogue’d and gagged
I could be gentile
But I’m not a gentile
Making you smile
It’s Rosh Hashanah
And I wanna get on ya
Happy New Jew Year
If you wanna go
We’ll be fucking for six days
Rest on the seventh
Want some mood music?
I’ll blast Hava Nagila
When I feel ya
Harder than matzoh
Lots of things that I just said
Make me wanna stop
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2. |
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Hey baby, how'd I do
Was it good for you too
You went to my show
Then we went home to bone
Did you at least have fun?
You're wondering for which one
I am talking bout both
Because I sometimes get stage fright
When I see all the shining lights
Can you turn them off?
I don't want you to see my face so bright
Before I go
Could you give me any notes on how I could improve
Seems when I'm home
I do this better when I'm alone
I'm sorry for my
Performance Issues last night
Unfortunately you can't get reimbursed
Yes girl I must confess
I didn't do my best
I didn't warm up before playing
Things didn't plug in correctly
My set ended somewhat abruptly
My equipment must have a defect
I'm sorry for being covered in sweat
I might've been too loud
And even though I vowed
That your enjoyment comes before mine
I lost my rhythm, lost my time
Did I finger a little too rough
Maybe I'm not hot enough
My mouth was totally dry
I sometimes get stage fright
When I see all the shining lights
Can you turn them off?
I don't want you to see my face so bright
Before I go
Could you give me any notes on how I could improve
I perform better alone
I sometimes get stage fright
When I see all the shining lights
Can you turn them off?
I don't want you to see my face so bright
Before I go
Could you give me any notes on how I could improve
Seems when I'm home
I do this better when I'm alone
I'm sorry for my
I can do better next time
Sorry for my
Performance Issues last night
Thanks for bringing your friends to watch! Little weird since I don't know them, but I'm into it
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3. |
Absolutely Nothing
04:09
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Verse 1:
Time blends together
Going on forever
Approach each day the same way
And that's "whatever"
Long as I sleep
It's been a success
So if I wake up I'll be tired
And then I can finally rest
So let's get to it
I got a busy day
So many things to do
I'll get it out of the way
Well if you wanna meet me
My schedule's packed completely
Dawn to dusk to dawn, I got so much going on
Chorus:
My calendar is filled with
Absolutely nothing
Fully commit to doing
Absolutely nothing
Oh what I feel inside is
Absolutely nothing
Today my one thing is
Absolutely nothing
Verse 2:
Not a thing
No task, no goal, no purpose
Spending the whole time
Feeling completely worthless
The life you want
It ain't what you live
Put zero effort in
And I get out of life what I give (nothing!)
Wake up at noon
After going to bed at 4
Phone for an hour
I step onto the floor
I sit
Until the sun goes down
Yeah that sounds like a lot to do
But I'm the best around at doing nothing
Chorus:
My calendar is filled with
Absolutely nothing
Fully commit to doing
Absolutely nothing
Oh what I feel inside is
Absolutely nothing
Today my one thing is
Absolutely nothing
Verse 3:
I got zero motivation
Nothing gives me gratification
Separate from civilization
With full on isolation
I'm all alone
So at least I don't spread my shame
It's the only thing I'm good at
Tomorrow I do the same
Chorus:
My calendar is filled with
Absolutely nothing
Fully commit to doing
Absolutely nothing
Oh what I feel inside is
Absolutely nothing
Today my one thing is
Absolutely nothing
My calendar is filled with
Absolutely nothing
Fully commit to doing
Absolutely nothing
Oh what I feel inside is
Absolutely nothing
Today my one thing is
Absolutely
Absolutely nothing
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4. |
Shake
04:50
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Verse 1:
I'm constantly moving
It's all I have that keeps me functional
Endlessly looping
The back and forth is inexorable
Keeps the focus clear and straight
To be there, come what may
Chorus:
Knowing what's at stake
Mistakes I might make
Makes me shake
It makes me shake
Every word that's said
A battle in my head
What was heard versus what I meant to say
It's absurd to live this way
Ease the tension with a leg shake
Verse 2:
My heart is racing
It seems to know before I understand
The stress I'm facing
Reflex that kicks in when I’m out of hand
A kinetic lullaby
Rocks my soul goodnight
Chorus:
Knowing what's at stake
Mistakes I might make
Makes me shake
It makes me shake
Every word that's said
A battle in my head
What was heard versus what I meant to say
It's absurd to live this way
Ease the tension with a leg shake
Bridge:
My life's an incomprehensible mess
Seems like the best way to relieve some stress
It's all I can do to not feel powerless
To not succumb to nervousness
Chorus:
Knowing what's at stake
Mistakes I might make
Makes me shake
It makes me shake
Every word that's said
A battle in my head
What was heard versus what I meant to say
It's absurd to live this way
Ease the tension with a leg shake
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5. |
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Verse 1:
Looking back I wonder why I even tried
What we had was guaranteed to die
It's better off 6 feet below, just let it go
Not the most horrifying story or frightening fright
Compares to you calling me up late at night
Cry on the line and you try
Chorus 1:
To raise our love from the dead
Can't raise our love from the dead
Even though it's laid to bed
You try to raise our love from the dead
Did you think that you still had a shot
Let the love we had decay and rot
Like you once said
Can't raise our love from the dead
Verse 2:
I know you're desperate to steal the corpse and reanimate
I'm sorry baby I can't relate
If I recall, you dug the grave
That's your mistake
This abomination was never meant to be revived
But still you bring it to your castle up high
Flip the switch and scream "It's alive!"
(Why do you try)
Chorus 2:
To raise our love from the dead
Can't raise our love from the dead
Even though it's laid to bed
You try to raise our love from the dead
Rotting monsters want to bash in my head
And I would so much rather spend the night with them instead
Than raise our love from the dead
(You can't bring it back)
Verse 3:
The creature that you brought from hell
Is just a rancid broken shell
Of a love that once had a soul, not anymore
You can't go back to before
Chorus 3:
And raise our love from the dead
Can't raise our love from the dead
Even though it's laid to bed
You try to raise our love from the dead
You're a zombie that's wanting me back
But I'm not a necrophiliac
The flag is crimson red
To raise our love from the dead
Can't raise our love from the dead
(You can't bring it back)
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6. |
Maybe It's Just You
03:09
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Look at you, what do I see
Pathetic and detached from reality
On the search for the ultimate reason
Of why you're hated no matter the season
Fully deny that you're an overreactor
The truth must lie in some other outside factors
You should try shaving your neckbeard with Occam's Razor
But knowing you, you'd rather say:
That maybe it's a worldwide conspiracy to make sure you're alone
And every woman on Earth decided you'll never bone
Because it's purely physical; that's why they go for the dumb Alpha dudes
Or maybe it's just you
(you know, just like - everything about you)
You've got your stats, the numbers don't lie
You've got the facts for why your dick is dry
Whine whine whine, find the women and shame them
Wonder why they hate you when all you do is blame them
Ignore the criticism, way too mean
Just focus on the jokes that you're never clean
Oh, you want me to be less annoying? I sure hope that's what you choose to be when you grow up
Maybe it's that women are shallow, and only think about sex
Maybe the times are a-changin' and you're a man with respect
You've got a million excuses for being an insufferable douche
'Cause maybe it's just you
Maybe it's just you
Maybe it's just you
Maybe it's just you
I know your life is so hard, so throw a tantrum and frown
You don't anyone kicking you while you're already down
Because no suffering in history compares to your balls being blue (boo hoo)
Maybe it goes up to the government, it's their master plan
Like how you jerk off, it's controlled by the Invisible Hand
There's always some other reason, you'd be better off if you knew
That maybe it's just you
Complaining you don't screw
And everything you do
And your overall attitude
Maybe it's just you
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7. |
Ameliorate
05:50
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8. |
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We on that Wii Shop Channel vibe now
yee
Verse 1:
Lots of my friends
Know that I write songs
And they can't wait for theirs to come along
A serenade, so personalized
I was getting to them and then I realized
Writing all of those would take too much time
So I chose to combine (all of them)
Chorus:
This song is totally about you (yeah, sure)
This song is totally about you
Yeah whatever you do
It inspired this tune
If I'm vague enough, you will be fooled
This song is totally about you
(yeah, you're welcome)
Verse 2
Well there we go, technically my work is done
By having this one be the one for everyone
And if it seems like I'm implying a name
Or anything specific just fill in the blank
And if one day my wife wants a song
I'm turing this on
(see honey, i already wrote you a song!)
This song is totally about you (technically, it is)
This song is totally about you
How much you mean to me
Sung in sweet harmony
And it's yours if you wanted one too
This song is totally about you
Bridge:
I don't wanna ever have to write another song about another single person
Takes a lot of work; I'm a lazy jerk, and I never wanna have write another verse
Instead
Save a lot of time; single set of rhymes; doing it cause I'm sick of people asking
Now I never need to write another set of lyrics
I can play it and say it applies to anyone who hears it
All day
Get it out of the way
Doing as I may
Now I can say
That this song's for: you, you, you, you, you - oh, sorry, not you
Chorus:
This song is totally about you (each and every one of you)
This song is totally about you (all of you except for that one guy)
Yeah whatever you do
It inspired this tune
If I'm vague enough, you will be fooled
This song is totally about you (remember, still not one that one guy)
This song is totally about you (don't - DON'T LOOK AT HIM)
How much you mean to me
Sung in sweet harmony
And it's yours if you wanted one too
This song is totally about you
Still on that wii shop channel vibe tho
yee
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9. |
Regret
03:49
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Something
I just want to feel something
Even if it means
I go past the point of being saved
I can't help but ride the wave
Every time I reach that high peak
That is when my head starts to speak
It calls my lack of self control weak
What a waste of time, of life, to rise up and
Crash down
Break the barrier and look around
Nothing new to me
Saw this coming through the smoky haze
And yet I am still amazed
That anyone could be so desperate
Far from the first time I've said it
And yet I still don't seem to get it
That I take everything from when I'm happy and
Throw it all just for that moment
That I feel a second of bliss
Look around at what I've done and
Wonder if it's worth all this
Consequence of satisfaction
There's no high without the drop
Welcome to my joyless hell
I regret myself
Some choose to call it clarity
So if that ends up the case
A chance to see the real me
To look me right in the face
And ask me "What did I just do?"
Pretty easy question too
Fuck me
This is why nobody loves me
In a second my
Head begins to travel far and wide
To tear apart what's inside
I'm taking in the aftermath of
What I choose to do without love
I vow to never stoop so low, but
All that fades away, what can I say? I
Throw it all just for that moment
That I feel a second of bliss
Look around at what I've done and
Wonder if it's worth all this
Consequence of satisfaction
There's no high without the drop
Welcome to my joyless hell
I regret myself
I regret myself
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10. |
Mothman Theme Song
03:14
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7 feet tall
Glowing red eyes
Stare too deep
You'll surely meet your demise
Spreading his wings
And taking off to the skies
There goes the
Mothman
Cryptid of fame
They've known his face
Since '66
In West Virginia's Point Place
You can drive
But he won't give up the chase
You can't escape the
Mothman
If he's the cryptid you wanna see
Go to those igloos of TNT
Bipedal creature of mystery
Might be no proof but I still believe
And still to this day
The hype won't go away
Forever here to stay
One day I'll find a way to find you
Mothman
100 miles
per hour in the air
Even the bravest souls on Earth
Are too scared
Not a sandhill crane or an owl
Or a bear
It's undeniably the
Mothman mothman mothman mothman
Angel or Demon, you make me whole
I think about you and lose control
The only way I can soothe my soul
To celebrate at the festival
Hopefully I will find
Others similarly inclined
Who can't get him out of their mind
I'm overcome by the oh so fine
Mothman
The statue stands
As firm as a brick
But why's he gotta be
So thicc
Out in the woods
The dark of the night
Suddenly I can see
A faint red light
As I'm approaching
It takes off in flight
Was that really the
(mothman)
If he's the cryptid you wanna see
Go to those igloos of TNT
Bipedal creature of mystery
Might be no proof but I still believe
In the mysterious creature who
Made me feel brand new
All the cryptozoologists know too
And he's coming for you
Yeah he's coming for you
And there's nothing you can do
Mothman
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11. |
Edging (Hold On)
04:16
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VERSE 1:
Goodbye November
Not a single day
Of touching my member
At least all of the way
For 30 days
Been struggling to get by
December's come, and so have I
I told myself to
CHORUS:
Hold on, hold on, for a couple moments longer
Hold on, hold on, now I finally get to blow
Hold on, hold on, my next load will be much stronger
Build me up, break me down 'til there's nowhere to go
Been living life on the edge
Been living life on the edge
VERSE 2:
I got so close
But I knew if I could wait
My meaty hose
Would be guaranteed to spray
The absolute most
That I've seen up to this day
Now it's the first
Time to quench my thirst
No longer have to
CHORUS:
Hold on, hold on, for a couple moments longer
Hold on, hold on, now I finally get to blow
Hold on, hold on, my next load will be much stronger
Build me up, break me down 'til there's nowhere to go
Been living life on the edge
Been living life on the edge
VERSE 3:
Most of my free time was spent
Jerking my love rod to 99 percent
Let it fall deep down to the single digits
Causing my whole body to shake and fidget
Did it get too hard to start and take a break?
It was so unbearable, make no mistake
Knew if I could wait my jizz could fill a lake
Building up the pressure 'til I let it spray and go
(hoo hoo hoo)
Never knew I could spew so far by letting my balls get blue
Did it every day despite the agony
I knew in the end if I could keep this spree
That after 30 days of rubbing and amounting to nothing
That I could set a fucking record for how hard I was cumming
I'm running round but never getting to the finish line
But now I can call "TIME"
Don't need to
CHORUS 3:
Hold on, hold on, for a couple moments longer
Hold on, hold on, now I finally get to blow
Hold on, hold on, my next load will be much stronger
Build me up, break me down til there's nowhere to go
Oh
Hold on, hold on, for a couple moments longer
Hold on, hold on, now I finally get to blow
Hold on, hold on, my next load will be much stronger
Build me up, break me down til there's nowhere to go
Been living life on the edge
Been living life on the edge
Been living life on the edge
Been living life on the edge
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12. |
By the Lights
04:01
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Watching in the dark
The contrast is so stark
Candlelit reflections
Leave a lasting mark
I don't want to sleep
Something here feels so right
By the eight candles
By the lights
Streets are quiet and still
Room is slightly chilled
Warmed up by these small flames
Feeling so fulfilled
Reminisce the years
Grateful that I'm here tonight
Through the window
See me sitting by the lights
And the feeling amplifies
As each night passes me by
While I stare
I wouldn't dare
Ruin a moment as perfect as this
Menorah-lit bliss
Troubles are ignored
Stay forevermore
Now I have a connection
I've seldom felt before
Take this beauty in
Marveling at such a sight
In the darkness
I stay by the lights
Yes on Chanukah
I stay by the lights
And the feeling amplifies
As each night passes me by
While I stare
I wouldn't dare
Ruin a moment as perfect as this
Menorah-lit bliss
Troubles are ignored
Stay forevermore
Now I have a connection
I've seldom felt before
Take this beauty in
Marveling at such a sight
In the darkness
I stay by the lights
Yes on Chanukah
I stay by the lights
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13. |
Family Dinner
04:00
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Obligation no negotiating
Tradition of the obtuse and grating
Conversational olympics we endure
Carbs, meat, and booze are the cure
Knock on the door, have I met you before?
Apparently I should know you from back when I was four
From a time I'd be satisfied with attention and games
Now I pray for the day nobody mentions my name
Sit through the family dinner together
It could get worse but it's not getting better
Awkward questions from so called relatives
Yelling from adults, screeching from the kids
This night and life are pointless, don't care why or how
Never had my emo phase so I'm doing it now
We're falling apart, yeah we're falling apart
We've been falling apart, and I just want out
Crowded living room, crowded kitchen, empty head
Wish I was a jacket that we tossed onto the bed
This has gotta be an act everyone's in on but me
Where we pretend to like each other cause it's Christmas Eve
Decorations are tacky, and come on let's face it
Indisputable fact that everyone wants to get wasted
But they gotta drive home so they cap it at five
Glasses of red wine and eggnog, and still they somehow come out alive
I got fucked up at the family dinner again
Cheeks flushed red, but I've made really good friends
With the dog locked outside so he doesn't piss
In the house, which would at least improve an evening like this
Strangers playing the role of a family
When the camera's off, go home and forget me
We're falling apart, yeah we're falling apart
We've been falling apart, and I just want out
Holidays
Always seem to go the same way
Hours of nothing to say
I didn't drive so I have to stay
Having the same back and forth we had last year
We both forgot each other's stories
I'd much prefer if you'd ignore me
And focus on your beer
Big family dinner with these deafening snobs
Now they're asking me to "get a real job"
Yeah the music's cute, but how long will it last?
Gave it a shot themselves, but gave up so fast
I'm putting new stuff out now, but I know you won't buy it
The conversation turns to asking me why I'm quiet
I could tell you that it's you but I know you'd probably deny it
Not so subtly suggesting that I should go on a diet
Yeah you've put on some weight, got some meat on your bones
And when the hell is your punk ass gonna bring a girl home
God forbid that I'm single, god forbid that I cry
I could be fucked up like them and just keep it inside
'Til I blow up in my 50's and call my nephew fat
Drunkenly from across the table, only proving that
We're falling apart, yeah we're falling apart
We've been falling apart, and I just want out
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Ben Visini San Francisco, California
Comedy music from an unsuccessful musical theater participant-turned-pit musician-turned-man unsure of where hyphens are supposed to-go.
